Cush Job

Sunday, 7 September 2008 : Filed under: MOM

As if working your way through college by renting out paddle boats wasn’t slack enough, now you can actually close down early just to get high.

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Lame Photo Post

Monday, 23 June 2008 : Filed under: MOM

I feel like I’m so far behind…

Me and baby Mae

Hipster D and baby Mae

Is she out of control or what?

At-man

Em

And our annual Mother’s Day photo taken last month.

I swear I will write something at least mildly amusing soon. I had to write for pay today and I have used up all currently functioning brain cells.

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Definitley a B

Monday, 14 April 2008 : Filed under: MOM

D and I are attending a fund raiser(reason to buy a dress)this week. I found one at Forever 21 (I am certain I will be the only person there with this dress at the party since it’s not so much of a Forever 21 type of crowd) and while I know most of their cocktail attire is a bit “cheap” I am really happy with it. I did however need to go and buy one of those bras that defy all laws of physics. This dress is bellow the normal bra line in front and way beyond the normal bra line in back, thus requiring one of those deals with clear pieces and straps that wrap around you holding you up, yet remaining just awkward enough to make certain you will spend your entire event concerned about exposing a ta-ta.

Anyhoo…I went into Victoria’s Secret the other day to find one of those type bras and was immediately approached by a VERY young sales girl. “Can I help you?” she asked with the attitude of someone who actually has business shopping at Forever 21. I went on to describe my killer cheap dress and told her exactly what my hopes for this bra would be, like to look very hot but not illegal in any way (a’la Tara Reid). She showed me the 100 bra, and I have to say I was very impressed. “What size do you need?” she then asked to which I gave my standard 6 months post baby answer…”Hmm, I’m not so sure…I just had a baby. Maybe a 34 C or B? She eyed me up and down for a good minute and responded with “Oh, Your a B…DEFINITELY B.” Ouch.

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A Touching Moment

Thursday, 21 February 2008 : Filed under: MOM

At-man found out the other day that one of his best friends is moving out of state in a couple of months. He came up to me and asked a few questions and suddenly burst into tears. “I am going to miss him so much mommy…” sniff…sniff… “I know, I’m sad too” I told him. “Hey mom?” “Yea?” It’s crazy how when you cry it’s kind of like you have “sweat buds” inside your eyes!”

“Sweat buds?”

Moment over.

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Gratuitous Photo Post

Monday, 18 February 2008 : Filed under: MOM

And yes, I did have to spell check the word gratuitous. (I had it right!)

Can you believe it’s already time to introduce the ever yummy rice gruel? It all flies by so fast…

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Loozah

Tuesday, 12 February 2008 : Filed under: MOM

At my semi-annual hair appointment this morning I caught myself saying the following phrase no less than THREE times…”Oprah said…”. “Oprah says you should take your hair color lighter as you get older.” “Oprah says you should start taking 2 baby aspirin a day when you turn 40.” “Oprah says…” I can’t even remember but it seemed important enough at the time for me to relay it to my hairdresser.

My conversation topics have been whittled down to the following list.

1. Things Oprah said
2. Things Britney did
3. The magnet school application process
4. Where do you want to eat? I dunno, where do YOU want to eat?

Me. A woman who sees no day complete without finishing the daily crossword puzzle. A woman who once took a Russian history class just because it sounded interesting. And now here I sit, spending my days pondering monumental decisions such as “Pampers or Huggies?” I no longer have any new ideas. I am simply a messenger of the word of Oprah. My brain has turned to the consistency of Quaker Instant Grits.

On the upside, Oprah did have an episode last week in which Dr. Oz told us the recipe to slow aging. Obviously I put great weight on whatever I hear on the show and consequently ran out to BJ’s to purchase enough vitamins to choke a horse. Will any of this “O” endorsed nutrition return me to the fascinating woman I was pre-childbearing? I’ll keep you posted.

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Stand Back, I Am A Professional

Thursday, 24 January 2008 : Filed under: MOM

That’s right. I am actually a paid writer. Not much mind you, but paid none the less. And not by my grandma or anything like that. Paid by someone who doesn’t necessarily have to. They actually chose me…by choice. One day when I have the time (when hell freezes over) I plan to start up a separate blog. I’ll keep you all posted.

I planned on making this post about At-man turning six, but honestly I am still having a hard time getting my thoughts together. Six seems so overwhelming to me. He is a real kid now. No longer a baby, toddler or pre-schooler, he’s already half way through kindergarten. He will soon be what he refers to as a “grader”. He plays guitar, loses teeth and occasionally talks back to me like I’m an idiot. He is such a sweet kid I think that is one of the hardest parts of growing up for him. He is trying to assert himself but whenever he catches himself being snide he will run over and throw his arms around my neck and say “I love you mommy.” in a sad little voice.

I need to eat cereal now so I’ll just promise to try hard to set aside some time when I’m not pre-menstrual to write about the whole six thing without sending myself into the type of depression usually reserved for post baby Victoria Secret fitting room excursions (don’t even get me started on the lighting in that place).

By the way - Since this is my blog I am going to take a rare moment out to “blow my own horn”. I was at the grocery store with At-man earlier when I saw the cover of 3 different magazines all shouting in amazement that Trista, The Bachelorette, managed to lose 30 pounds and has a 5 month old baby. Well Trista…I too have managed to lose 30 pounds since having my baby. BUT, I am older, already have 2 other kids, and didn’t have the incentive of the cover of People magazine to propel me through my weight loss. SO EAT THAT! Oh, and after the first…IT GETS HARDER. Lets see you on the cover of People after 3 kids and without all the childcare money you get from selling your families most intimate moments to any outlet that will have you. Ahem…sorry. Trista is great, congrats on your “amazing weight loss”. And now it’s picture time…

Happy sixth B’day At-man

New shot of baby Mae

At-man

and Em

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More on Comments

Thursday, 10 January 2008 : Filed under: MOM

I am always a little jealous of some of the mommy bloggers who actually seem to have time to personally respond to each and every comment they receive. I obviously do not. I would though, like to say thank you for all the comments I have received on How Not To Ruin Your Kids. It really helps to see how many of us are going through similar circumstances and how much we all want things different for our own kids. So… thanks. Very Much.

At-man has recently decided that if he has to go to guitar practice, I need to go to paper airplane folding practice so this is all I have time for today. I just didn’t want to go without saying that too much longer.

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Merry Christmas - Southern Style

Wednesday, 19 December 2007 : Filed under: MOM

As anyone with 3 kids will tell you, you just don’t get out as much, or maybe ever. Last weekend we were actually lucky enough to get invited to go along with some friends to a redneck Christmas party. Not redneck as in “Bubba is having his kin over to the trailer, why don’t y’all come with?” It was actually a nice party thrown by several “inside the beltline” couples. By day they make their appearance as lawyers and CPA’s but by night, they know how to party. Everyone was supposed to come dressed in their best scrunchies and airbrushed t-shirts. They served keg beer, Little Debbie snack cakes and Vienna sausages in a can. At the entrance they decorated with a toilet bowl full of poinsettias. It’s was very well planned out.

When we got there the room was full of mullet wigs and fake tattoos. D and I had a blast putting together our outfits. My friend Sara and I even wore matching scrunchies and light up necklaces. The entire party looked like a scene from My Name is Earl. Here is my Christmas card shot for next years cards…

Please note that At-man is in the background watching a Veggie Tales video in his underwear.

Here is a group shot where the flash didn’t go off but you can really see the beauty of our light up necklaces in this one.

And beyond the excitement it’s back to the usual. Since I am in a picture posting mood, I will leave you with one of Em helping give his baby sister a bath. Awww.

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A Small Miracle

Thursday, 6 December 2007 : Filed under: MOM

My mom was always good about dragging me out to see Santa. Since I grew up in New York, there was a pretty consistent stream of wild looking characters, and me, usually in tears, in their lap. I will never forget the time Santa was actually a woman, but that is another story entirely.

When At-man was born I considered it mandatory to get the Santa photo. A group of friends met one day in December, all complaining about how their child burst into tears, making it impossible to get “the money shot”. I was full of fear, but somehow At-man was up to the task and worked it like a tiny super model. My first Christmas card of my parenting career was a success.

The following year we were back out at the mall, but could lightning possibly strike twice? Yes, the little guy not only smiled, but he added a royalty style wave as well. I figured I was just lucky to have a kid who liked Santa, and told myself that 2 kids would be different. But It wasn’t at all. Em, following in his brothers footsteps, LOVES Santa. He climbs right onto his lap, all squishy and snuggly. They laugh it up and discuss cookie flavors, like the best of friends.

This year I planned very carefully. At-man is tracked out of school and I kept Em home. They had their flu shot first thing this morning and I chose to use the Santa visit as the proverbial carrot so that they would make nice with the needle. While At-man was a champ, Em’s little feelings were very hurt. He is still too small to understand that mommy only puts them through such tortures so they will not have to endure days of vomiting and chills, so that I will hopefully not have to endure days of their fever and chills. He was pitiful, and I wondered what the hell I was thinking planning the Santa picture on this day.

Most people would simply can the idea, but I, the eternal optimist, held fast. With 3 kids in tow, I had gone through too much planning to back out now. I had D and his mother accompany us to the mall, there was no turning back. We got there with no line and the boys ran ahead before I could grab my hair brush and climbed all over Santa. Mae magically awoke and was too tired to protest when I handed her over to sit between the boys. I got behind the photographer and said “Say Heeley’s” And it was all over.

Now since the inception of digital photography, D is used to me directing every shoot the boys have been in. Many a photographer has cursed my existence, but I care not. It’s my 40.00 and I want what I want. Three shots and that was it. He looked up and said “We’re done? Are you SURE?” And we were. All three kids, awake and pleasant. No one was kicking the fat man, no grabbing or punching. My kids, who spend the better part of every day trying to think up new ways in which to torture one another, all looked good.

So it turns out my mom unknowingly began family tradition. Luckily the boys have yet to encounter a woman in a beard. Thanks Mom!