At-man has been a bit baby obsessed lately. This comes as no surprise. He is a great big brother, very protective of Em. I’m not saying he doesn’t fight with him 700 times a day, just that he never fails to impress me with how much he displays his brotherly love. When D or I take him to the grocery store alone, he insists we get Em a cookie or a balloon to bring home. When I pick a movie to rent At-man wants to make sure it won’t frighten Em. A couple of times I have woken up in the middle of the night to catch him trying to help Em find his blankie, or guide him into our room to get in the big bed and snuggle.

He has a million questions about the new baby. Last night when I got home from work I told him I had a doctors appointment at lunch and the doctor had taken some new pictures of the baby. He came over to look. “Why can’t I see what she’s wearing?” Hmmm. “Babies don’t wear clother inside mommies tummys just like you don’t wear clothes in the tub.” “So you can just see her penis?” “She doesn’t have a penis, she’s a girl.” His eyes grew about 5 times their original size. And with that, he sped off to ponder what horribly uncomfortable question to ask next.

It’s been so long, I haven’t even written a word since Word Press was updated (thanks Josh). The reason is quite honestly, I’ve been too tired. Why am I so tired you may wonder. Right before Valentine’s Day I went to the doctor. I was feeling a bit run down and having trouble running as much as I had. When I went back a week later for the results of my blood work it was not yet in. Strange thing the doctor said, maybe I’d better call the lab. I sat there in the office freaking out, wondering what horrible ailment had befallen me that the lab was even hesitant to return my results. After what felt like about a month, the doctor came back in to tell me that the test was held up because they wanted to re-run a pregnancy test. “Excuse me?” Yes, those wacky guys at the lab think your pregnant. We could do a quick test here in the office to see. Well, those guys at the lab weren’t so wacky after all. I wasn’t worn down, I was knocked up!

We were going through so much that we tried to keep things on the down low for a while. I am now at 22 weeks (over the hump). Even more surprising than the fact that I was pregnant, is the fact that it’s a GIRL. I will finally have a reason to see The Little Mermaid, and buy a toy tea set! Not that the boys can’t play with a tea set, it’s just hard to find one with Superman on it.

Speaking of Superman, on to the boys. Em is obsessed with Superman. He is going through one of those phases where he wants to wear the same thing every day, and that is his Superman t-shirt. He will only willingly take it off to put on his Superman pajamas. He has recently begun to insist he sleep with a 12 inch solid HARD plastic Justice League version of his favorite super hero. I found an 18 inch plush Superman doll online the other night and cannot wait until he arrives. I have enough trouble sleeping without having to worry about rolling over on a plastic hero in the middle of the night (Em’s sneaks into our bed with him).

At-man is so grownup it’s hard to understand how it happened. I feel like I went to bed one night with a toddler and woke up with someone who thinks he is a 27 year old. I still don’t know where he is going to kindergarten next year so I applied for a transfer and am waiting to hear back any day (please keep your fingers crossed for us). He still falls apart at the mere idea of anyone disassembling any of his Lego structures, leaving D and I feeling like we are living with a Doozer (remember them?). But other than that, he is growing up so fast. He cannot wait for the baby to come and makes me read “What To Expect When Mommy Is Expecting” every night.
There is actually a lot more to say, but it’s late and of course, I’m beat. More soon.

I feel the need to spread the word on this one. Has anyone tried Dora cereal? Neither of my kids liked it very much but I am totally hooked. It’s low sugar and made with whole grains (resulting in high fiber as opposed to most of the other “whole grain” kids cereals). I have taken to eating it “kiddie style” dry and from a baggie. It’s sort if cinnaminnie. Yum!

Anyway, not much else to talk about, just sitting here munching on my Dora stars thinking “I wonder if everyone knows how much these rock?” so I thought I’d share.

I know, I know, I have lost you all. I am still here though. Still a lot going on, even more than before but nothing I can really talk about yet. Very soon though. The size of this hole is so broad it’s hard to know where to even begin. However, just because my world is in limbo right now it does not mean that my mind isn’t still swimming at 150 miles an hour. What is it swimming around you might wonder?

I have been thinking about the oval “European style” stickers that seem mandatory on the back of SUV’s all over the triangle area. Is it me or is this trend out of control? I myself am an offender, sporting both my pride in our selection of preschools as well as my love for one particular beach. How ever did we get by in the days before we were able to proclaim our own personal favorite vacation spot on our rear windshield.

The one particular sticker that is really driving me crazy right now is 26.2. I have wanted to run a marathon for a while now but with two little boys to consider I haven’t been able to commit to a training program quite yet. I have planned on shooting for this fall since they will both be in school 5 days a week but now something else has come up making me have to delay my plan even further(more on that later).

Anyhoo, it would seem a snazzy 26.2 oval is still far off in my future, and I will admit it, I am a bit jealous of those who have one. Oh how I have longed for a chance to prove my endurance to the world on the back of my car. I have no idea why, but I do. You would think that pushing out a child without so much as a Tylenol would satisfy my desire to prove my physical stamina, but there is no cute little oval sticker for such a feat. The more I think about it, there really should be. Maybe I could just get the 13.1 half marathon sticker and whenever someone comments I can simply let them know that it stands not for how long I ran, but for how long I labored. Sure everyone would think I had lost my mind, but who cares?

So there you have it. As my world continues to spin out of my immediate control, I sit and dream of a day when I can run until I throw up and my toenails fall off and I will be rewarded with a little black and white sticker. Hey, a girl has to have her dreams.

Do you know what it’s like right now? It’s like I still need to do everything I did before AND lose my mind at the same time. I make the beds, breakfast, off to school, work, run, shower, dinner, errands, bath, bed time, pay bills, answer email, laundry…you name it. These are the things I have done all along. “So what has changed?” you may ask. I now get to do them with BOTH a non-stop commentary delivered by a 5 year old who, I am sure, is the un-official world record holder for most words uttered in a single afternoon…AND a 2 year old who has recently decided that screaming until his face turns red is hysterically funny. And can you ever get enough funny? Apparently he thinks not.

Who ever would have thought it would be possible to love someone so much, when they spend every waking moment of their day talking…or screeching even? No one tells you this before you have kids, and if they did, would you believe them? In the moments between reaching for an Advil you may actually love them even more, because really the chatter is kind of cute. Not so much the screaming, but what can you do?

Kiss silence goodbye my friend. And while your at it, say farewell to half your IQ. I can feel the brain cells oozing out of my ears as I listen to At-man spin winding tales of blue Power Rangers and how peanut butter is made while Em channels a Kabuki style tale of a cat being skinned alive.

I know, I know…I’m only a few more years away from a post in which I complain about why my sons never tell me anything. I will be sorry I didn’t appreciate car rides filled with chatter about “When can we go to Cocoa Beach?” and “What is Bologna made of?”, “If Spiderman wears black, is he then a bad guy?” and my favorite… AAAAKKKKKKKKAAAAKKKKKK!!!!!! (from Em).

They are both sound asleep now, quiet except for Em’s snoring. He has an ear infection which always causes some serious log sawing. They are all sweet and snuggly and silent and when they’re quiet like this it’s easy to think that all the racket isn’t so bad at all. Sometimes I actually miss it.

I really do intend to write more, really. Today I promised myself that I would get on the computer tonight and I actually did it! However, I HAVE to buy the new Shins album on itunes, I need to place an order for a friends online book show, AND I need to get serious about where my little At-man will attend kindergarten next year because his base school is quite frankly, my worst nightmare. Luckily we can cool our heels at our current school as a fall back plan. Anyway, thanks to everyone for stopping by to watch as my life spirals out of control. Hi Vicky, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say hi. Thanks Jan, I am very flattered and I promise I will try to drop the “F” bomb a bit less. Coming from a working class Long Island home it’s a bit difficult. And thanks to everyone who still checks in. I cannot promise I will write more frequently but I can promise that when I do, it will only get more interesting. Please pray for me that it gets interesting in a positive way. Also, At-man got one of them, fancy-schmancy, kid style, digital cameras for his birthday and I am going to try to start posting some of his pictures. He and Em have been shooting some pretty good stuff.

Besides all of the soap opera worthy drama going on in my life there are still many of the little things that I am so afraid I won’t remember one day. Em has taken to singing Frosty the Snowman. His version is a bit more like “Fwossy na no-mah…wassa happy, happy, happy!” With every inflatable snowman we passed (around here there are too many to count) a little voice would come out from the back seat excitedly announcing “LOOK MA! F’WOSSY NO-MAH!”

Em is also in the midst of a mommy phase, which I cannot deny enjoying just a bit. He cannot say his “S” sounds yet so he just starts wiggling up besides me demanding that “mommy nuggle!” When D tries to take the boys up to bed Em turns with his little hand out and shouts “NO! MOMMY NUGGLE!” I wouldn’t mind if the “nuggle” deal hangs around for a while.

At-man will be 5 in a week, an age that used to seem like it was a million miles away. As of this fall I will have a child in elementary school! How did this happen? He is so grown-up already. All he wants to talk about are Transformers and Power Rangers. I must admit that I knew this was coming. Ever since we found out we were having a boy I knew the day would come when I would be surrounded by “icky boy toys” and my friends, that day is here. Thanks to Em I can still hold on to the “Little People” but it’s just a matter of time before I am ankle deep in all things Pokemon.

Five is pretty good otherwise. At-man is a great conversationalist, never at a loss for something interesting to say. He can ride a scooter and is getting ready to start skateboarding lessons. He has spent most of this Christmas filled with technical questions regarding Santa, most of which I think we managed to answer to his satisfaction with the aid of Polar Express. It seemed to help clear up any questions he had and the idea of the loss of childhood innocence makes me tear up every time. I cannot help but think that my days as Santa’s helper are flying by too quickly. We took At-man on a special big boy night out to see it in 3-D at the IMAX and out for Krispy Kream afterwards. It was nice finally being able to take him to the movies without worring that we would have to leave after the trailers because he couldn’t sit still.

Anyway, if anyone still stops by and reads this, I hope you had a great Christmas too.

After being re-tested, my liver is aparently less fucked up than it originally appeared to be. This means it was one of the things I stopped for the few days between tests.

1. One a Day Weight Smart vitamins. I don’t know why I take these, I don’t have a weight problem. I just feel like they’re sort of an insurance policy type of thing.

2. Splenda. I was on Splenda hyper-drive. Splenda coffee, tea, pancake syrup. You name it, I put Splenda in it. Again, not sure why.

3. Calorie free spray butter stuff. Not sure what the hell it is, just sounds wrong.

So my liver is less bad and they let me have my meds. I am still a basket case just a slightly more spacey basket case than before. I hear it takes a couple of weeks to “normal out” so I guess only time will tell.

Nothing new to report on any of the other fronts. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I need a break from the bad. I need a break in general. At-man gets his staples out tomorrow. I am glad yet definitley not looking forward to it. I hate to think it may hurt, which I am sure it will since there is still a lump the size of a lime on the back of his noggin. I’m not talking about one of those sad little “mesh bag full on limes” type limes either. No sir, this is one of those premium limes that you buy on margarita night. At least we will be able to close the book our first trauma.

No school tomorrow yet my day is still scheduled down to the last nano-second. Do I sound as spaced out as I feel? Sorry if I am drifting here. Focus…Focus…Tomorrow…Oh yes, roller skating. We are going to our first roller skating party. I am psyched! Do you think they will play some Xanadu for me? I may wear my leg warmers just in case. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.

Well, this is about all I am capable of writing now. I think I will sit here and stare into space while D watches Mad Money.

I would like to take a look back on the worst week of my entire life so that we can all share in the absurdity of my current situation.

Monday - Head off the organizing committee for the 2 year old class Halloween party.

Tuesday - Find out I was to turn myself in at the police station 10am Wednesday morning. Spend afternoon at therapist’s office.

Wednesday - Handcuffed, fingerprinted, and processed “downtown”.

Thursday - Field trip to the pumpkin patch! Blurb in local paper about my “scheme” and following arrest, making it sound about ten thousand times worse than anything I could have ever intended to do. Back to the therapist.

Friday - Host the 4 year old class Halloween party. Work. Run. Off to the parent council Halloween party.

Saturday - Play Group pumpkin patch trip.

Sunday - Halloween charity fun run 5k with At-man.

Monday - Find out I cannot get any medication for my anxiety because there are “concerns” regarding the results of my blood work. Something about my liver. Go online to instill further terror into my already anxiety ridden brain by looking up anything that could possibly affect the outcome of my test, things like cancer, cirrhosis, and hepatitis A, B, C, or D.

Tuesday - Halloween - after a fairly uneventful yet still mostly miserable day, yet another dose of bad luck. In a sugar induced display, At-man tosses his head into the corner on the staircase. Those of you who have witnessed a head injury before will know what I mean when I say there was blood EVERYWHERE! I got to spend the night at the ER watching my little peanut get his scalp stapled back together.

Now, if this all doesn’t make you feel a little bit better about what’s going on around your house I don’t know what will. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are people all over the world going through far worse. As enormous as all these problems seem right now I still have reason to be grateful. I know this, but it doesn’t feel very much like it right now. Right now I can hardly get through a run without breaking down in tears. Right now I can barely type this without feeling like my life is over. Right now I know there is a pill that could potentially help me put this into perspective but I cannot take it because my liver is potentially rotting away. Right now sucks!

So now you have the reason I have not been posting. I enjoy posting and that makes it something that is very hard to do at this time. I am too busy wallowing in my world of “What the fuck?”, as in “What the fuck just happened to my world?”. At this point my future is really out of my hands which is very hard for me to deal with.

I don’t even know where else to go with this post because my mind is going in about 50 different directions at all times. Basically this is it. I am accused of a “scheme” to not pay taxes. A scheme. Most days I don’t even have enough time to brush my own hair so I’m not sure exactly when I supposedly masterminded this grand plan. I guess all there is to say about it from my end is that THERE IS NO WAY I EVER WOULD HAVE INTENTIONALLY DONE ANYTHING THAT WOULD JEAPORDIZE THE FUTURE OF MY FAMILY! Having a small business is a very risky venture. I didn’t really understand the business end of things as much as I would have liked to and apparently that is considered a crime.

Although I was assured throughout the process of fixing this that there was no reason to prosecute me and that the state had no intention of doing so, here we are. My defense team will actually cost me more than half of the total money the state claims I owe them. That coupled with the fact that the average trial costs 2 times the total amount I allegedly owe makes the absurd even absurder! That’s right; it’s so absurd that it deserves a new word. ABSURDER@!

Obviously I have a lot going on right now. I know that this is a strange direction for a “mommy blog” to take but this is my life, so here it is. This post is a bit vague I’m sure, but there are so many details, many of which I have no desire to share, some of which I probably should not. There is no way a single blog entry can really make sense of this situation. I do think that writing will help me sort this out a bit better so even though I know I have said it before, I am really going to try and write as much as possible. All I can say is that on the highway of life, my Altima is currently parked in a “sucks only” zone, and I have the unfortunate feeling I will be waiting for a tow truck for quite a while.

I don’t want anyone to worry, I’m fine, I promise. I am just swamped at work (in a good way) and when you own the business it’s you who has to put in the hours. Even now there isn’t really any time to write anything worth a damn other than that the boys are great, D and I too. School has started, Em has turned 2 and D and I celebrated our 7th anniversary and I have missed it all as far as writing. I shall try to write an actual post tonight since there is absolutly nothing whatsoever that even remotley appeals to me on Tuesday nights this fall. So, providing that I do not fall hopelessly asleep tonight while putting the boys to bed, I shall write once again.