In one of the strangest events to unfold here as of late, our maid has actually dumped us. Really, it’s not us, it’s her. She apparently just cannot see this relationship going any further. She was to clean Monday morning but fled when she found out we would actually be home, rendering her unable to watch our T.V., shuffle through our drawers and eat chocolates, which is how I suppose her teeth met their fate. I know it’s all for the best. At least now I won’t have to put up with the weird, fake, redneck laugh she used to respond to every single thing I ever said to her.

When she scattered Monday morning it was with the promise she would return and clean that very afternoon. She never did. I was concerned that something tragic had happened , being a mostly toothless, overweight 50 something, well, you just never know what ill fate could have befallen her.

The only thing that really bugs me about the whole situation is that she still will not say exactly what the problem was. Knowing that her client roster is made up entirely of elderly, retired widows I guess it just goes without saying that our house was probably the only one that needed any actual cleaning done. I’d have probably bailed on us too if the rest of my week was a veritable cake-walk and I had to wrap it up by shifting the entire contents of Toys R Us around just to run the vacuumed. Still, it burns my butt that she disappeared the way that she did.

It really does feel like being dumped (not that I’d know). I just want to ride my bike back and forth behind her 1982 Mazda covered in “Jesus Loves Me” bumper stickers with a rear windshield full of bobble headed dogs while it’s parked in front of my less “high maintenance” neighbors house. I want to hand write her a note on loose leaf paper asking “Why?!” “Why have you dumped us five days before At-man’s 4th birthday party?”(a party to be attended by a slew of other mommies who all have maids that do their jobs).

Now I know as well as anyone that there are much bigger issues to deal with in the world right now. “How sad, the poor little hipster mom lost her maid. Boo Hoo.” you might say. To this I say ” I work, I volunteer, and I do actually clean my house. I clean my own kitchen at least 4 times a day! I simply need help with the yucky stuff for which I have no time.” I could either pay someone to do my job at the office, or pay someone to clean my house. Guess which one is cheaper.

Now I am left to wonder…just how does one get over being dumped by their maid? A pint of Haagen-Dazs and endless hours of old Liz Phair and extremely slow Elvis Costello songs? A night of Cosmopolitans and bar dancing? There seems to be no appropriate answer to this question. I guess only time will heal this broken heart.