Hipster Mom and kids

About a month ago, during one of my all too frequent trips to the mall, I saw something startling out of the corner of my eye. As I browsed my way through Victoria’s Secret I passed by a full length mirror and there they were…the two whitest surfaces I had ever seen. Sadly enough, I was looking at my own legs.

Now I have to say, who ever designed the lighting plan for the Victoria’s Secret chain was on some serious crack. It doesn’t matter how thin you were feeling when you walked in the dressing room, by the time you walk out you have discovered cellulite that probably doesn’t even really exist outside of that store. Cheryl Crow can probably spot some cottage cheese on her thighs in those dressing rooms. You would think it would behoove them from a sales standpoint if they tried a bit more of the “Oprah lighting”. You know, the great soft, hazy glow they add to any woman over 30 on talk shows and “news magazine” type programs. I’d be sellin’ my momma on the street for bra money if I could try everything on under the same lighting conditions they use on Barbara Walters interviews.

Anyhoo, there they were my frosty white legs. They needed help fast…but how? Believe it or not, my legs are actually sort of sun repellent. While the rest of me is still never actually tan, I am usually able to achieve a natural flesh like color by mid-August. However, regardless of their amount of exposure, my legs remain a Day-Glo bluish-white. Fears needed to be set aside; it was time to try self-tanner.

After about a week of daily slathering, I was feeling down right tropical. Bring on the shorts, I was tan baby! I was actually looking forward to our pool opening last weekend, feeling confident that I would blind absolutely no one. Saturday came and D and I had a great time playing with the boys in the shallow end until Em decided he needed a snack. So cute they were, my two boys sitting side by side, kicked back on their chaise lounges with a juice box in one hand and a bag of gold fish in the other. I had tucked our old digital camera into the pool bag, just incase some major cuteness ensued and low and behold…it did. D grabbed it and got a few shots of our poolside babies, and in the background of all the adorableness…there they were…the white legs I thought were gone. Apparently, I was delusional all along. I had been walking around town, with a deep, dark Hawaiian Tropic like glow…ALL IN MY HEAD. In reality I was still the same pale-ass Irish girl I had been all along. I know I have been a bit scattered since school ended, but if you knew how much of a difference I THOUGHT my tanner was making, you would understand my concern. I have officially lost touch with all but fleeting glimpses of reality.

I feel like I just finished 2 weeks of White Strips only to find out that my teeth still look like a still from Ren and Stimpy. Is my hair really red? Am I still of average height? What more am I in denial about? Maybe this is what’s going on when I see all these women walking around the mall with their guts hanging out from the bottom of their shirts. Perhaps they really do have no idea! It’s amazing how a light can go off in the midst of such fog! It’s suddenly all so clear…self denial is everywhere. I may be pasty, but at least I’m not the only woman in America who is fooling herself.

What a relief!