Parenting a toddler is like taking care of a very short, drunk, French person. That is providing you took only one semester of freshman French and paid very little attention in class. I’m not saying this isn’t a loveable little French person, but they do tend to get a bit snippy when they realize that you do not in fact speak any French other than “I’ll have the Beef Bourguignon.”

In our house the little Frenchman’s word for all beverages is juzz. For all you non-parents out there, juice. Whenever you get within ten feet of the fridge he waddles over and demands “Juzz!” Now here’s where the fun comes in. What does Juzz “really” mean?

a. Juice
b. Strawberry milk
c. Whiskey

Now, while the answer may seem obvious to you and I, these French can be tricky little people indeed. And just like in the old movies, you had best not insult them by presenting anything but the best, or else risk being smacked in the face with a white gloved back hand. This is also a trick question in that my tiny French man is actually a quarter Irish so whiskey may be a viable option. But no, the correct answer is…I still don’t know what the correct answer is, and please stop smacking me with your tiny white glove. In my house, if you do not know the current meaning of juzz you had better duck. A sippy cup will be hurled at your head at break-neck speed. How stupid you are. The answer was strawberry milk all along.

You are now living for a person with whom you share about 10 common words with. I would personally have more success finding the potty in Paris that finding out what the hell my tiny French man is pointing at. Is it the cup? The phone? Oh my god! I have no idea what you want!

Now on to the drunken portion of our description. Many a college student knows what it’s like to have a drunk buddy cling to them all night. You can’t keep their hand out of your drink, and you , as the good friend have to keep watch an them all night or else feel guilty if they leave the bar with the wrong person or else run into traffic on the way to their inevitable DUI. Welcome to parenting my friend. There are days where I honestly feel like I have saved more lives than a paramedic, yet it was only one tiny person’s life. As he goes hurling himself off the kitchen table, trying to climb over the deck railing, and toddling off into traffic you really have to start wondering what is actually in that sippy cup. How can anyone two feet tall find so many death defying situations to get into? I would elaborate on the short aspect but I’m sure you can piece that one together by yourself.

In true high school essay writing form I will wrap this entry up like so. I think it’s obvious that what I am saying here is absolute fact. I am indeed living with an inebriated French midget. I just have to keep reminding myself that he does make great pastry. As they say “French is the language of love.”, and anyone raising a toddler knows it’s all about the love baby.