It was my turn to put At-man to bed. This process usually includes the “I can beat you to the potty” contest, followed up by the “I bet I’ll beat you upstairs” and ends with “I bet I can be the first to the bed.” The little bugger is so competitive; as long as you turn the entire process into a competition (and let him win every event) he doesn’t even stop to think of protesting.

After our grueling series of races, At-man requires company in the bed while he falls asleep. He is usually out cold in 10 minutes, which is fine with me. Its 10 minutes I actually get to lie quietly and think, and that’s a pretty rare luxury. Tonight as I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep, I had 2 things on my mind. The first one was hitting the deck for a smoke (obvious). The second, why is there no hybrid of mustard and mayonnaise?

Being from New York I have seen my fair share of delicatessens, and I can tell you many people enjoy both mayo and mustard on the same sandwich. As lazy as Americans are, I cannot believe no one has taken the reins and aided us in eliminating the dreaded step of having to apply 2 separate condiments to our bread. Someone came up with brocco-flower, and that must have been a lot harder than simply mixing a couple of sandwich spreads and putting them in the same jar. I must step up to the plate, I decided. This will be our ticket to easily affording private colleges for our offspring. I will forever be heralded as the woman who saved Americans countless seconds every lunch hour.

My vision continued until I came to the step of naming my creation. Mustard-O? Nah. How about Mus-tard-o? Sounds like a b-rate magician. Mayo-tard? Yuck. Must-O? Ewww. Mustayo? Hmmm. Mustayonaise? Mustarayo? Now I know why no one has yet approached this task! It seems that there is no plausible name for the mustard-mayo hybrid. Not a single moniker that sounds even remotely appetizing. How is this possible?

So as you can imagine, I’ve had to shit-can the whole idea. I’d hate to make my mark in history being the creator of Mustard-O. It’s probably a good thing I only have 10 uninterrupted minutes a day to think. You can only imagine what goes through my mind when I run…